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Reading the following will probably cause offence to everyone (contains strong sexual swear words) and most of you will already know it, but I love it...

From Clerks...
INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY

RANDAL dials the phone. He holds a list in his hand.

RANDAL
Yes, I'd like to place an order,
please...Thank you.

A MOTHER and her SMALL CHILD approach the counter.

MOTHER
Excuse me, but do you sell videotapes?

RANDAL
What were you looking for?

MOTHER
(smiling)
It's called Happy Scrappy-The Hero
Pup.

SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!

RANDAL
I'm on the phone with the
distribution house now. Let me make
sure they have it. What's it called
again?

MOTHER
Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

SMALL CHILD
Happy Scrappy!

MOTHER
(more smiling)
She loves the tape.

RANDAL
Obviously.
(to phone)
Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video
calling. Customer number four-
three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like
to place an order...Okay...
(reading from list)
I need one each of the following
tapes: Whisper in the Wind, To Each
His Own, Put it Where It Doesn't
Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All
Tit-Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need
Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-
Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts,
Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked
Sluts, Cum Buns Three, Cumming in a
Sock, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black
Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Slam
It Up My Too-Loose Ass, Ass Blasters
in Outer Space, Blowjobs by Betsy,
Sucking Cock and Cunt, Finger My
Ass, Play with my Puss, Three on a
Dildo, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls
Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone 2-The
K.Y. Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,
and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.
Oh, and...
(to MOTHER)
What was the name of that movie?

MOTHER
(nearly dazed)
Happy Scrappy-The Hero Pup.

RANDAL
(on phone)
And a copy of Happy Scrappy-The
Hero Pup...Okay, thanks.
(hangs up; to MOTHER)
Sixteen forty-nine. It'll be here
Monday.

Silence. Then...

SMALL CHILD
Cunt!


Happy Xmas...

Strong language, now that's my kind of thread

Ahhh, Kevin Smith at his finest, delivered by Jeff Anderson...

Randal is still my hero!!!!

Oh how many times I've wanted to go 'Randal' on one of my customers.

"This job would be great if it weren't for the f*cking customers!"

Randall is one of the best movie characters ever... Why is Jeff Anderson not on more films?

More filth...

DANTE
How many dicks have you sucked?!

VERONICA
Let it go...

DANTE
HOW MANY?

VERONICA
All right! Shut up a second and
I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't
freak like this when you told me
how many girls you fucked.

DANTE
This is different. This is important.
How many?!

She counts silently, using fingers as marks. DANTE waits on
a customer in the interim. VERONICA stops counting.

DANTE
Well...?

VERONICA
(half-mumbled)
Something like thirty-six.

DANTE
WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?

VERONICA
Lower your voice!

DANTE
What the hell is that anyway,
"something like thirty-six?" Does
that include me?

VERONICA
Um. Thirty-seven.

DANTE
I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?

VERONICA
(walking away)
I'm going to class.

DANTE
Thirty-seven?!
(to CUSTOMER)
My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven
dicks!

CUSTOMER
In a row?

DANTE chases VERONICA down and grabs her by the door.

DANTE
Hey! Where are you going?!

VERONICA
Hey listen, jerk! Until today you
never even knew how many guys I'd
slept with, because you never even
asked. And then you act all
nonchalant about fucking twelve
different girls. Well, I never had
sex with twelve different guys!

DANTE
No, but you sucked enough dick!

VERONICA
Yeah, I went down on a few guys...

DANTE
A few?

VERONICA
...And one of those guys was you!
The last one, I might add, which-if
you're too stupid to comprehend-
means that I've been faithful to
you since we met! All the other
guys I went with before I met you,
so, if you want to have a complex
about it, go ahead! But don't look
at me like I'm the town whore,
because you were plenty busy
yourself, before you met me!

DANTE
(a bit more rational)
Well...why did you have to suck
their dicks? Why didn't you just
sleep with them, like any decent
person?!

VERONICA
Because going down it's a big deal!
I used to like a guy, we'd make
out, and sooner or later I'd go
down on him. But I only had sex
with the guys I loved.

DANTE
I feel sick.

VERONICA
(holds him)
I love you. Don't feel sick.

DANTE
Every time I kiss you now I'm going
to taste thirty-six other guys.

VERONICA violently lets go of him.

VERONICA
I'm going to school. Maybe later
you'll be a bit more rational.

DANTE
(pause)
Thirty-seven. I just can't...

VERONICA
Goodbye, Dante.

She exits in a huff. DANTE stands there in silence for a
moment. Then he swings the door open and yells out.


DANTE
Try not to suck any more dicks on
your way through the parking lot!


Full script here:

http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/Clerks.html