Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Dave.......... Dave.......... Dave............
You're a Veterinarian.
Joke Thread
Moderators: Loopz, usernick, legspin, jof, the PLA
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hippy dave
- Meltdown
- Posts: 2128
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am
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davemacfrombath
- The Moebius
- Posts: 1376
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
- Question: Orbital
- Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers
The queen is being shown around the psychiatric ward of a hospital she is officially opening when the party comes across a man masturbating wildly on the floor by his bed.
'Oh dear,' said her maj, 'what in heaven's name is his condition?!'
'Please accept my apologies', mumbled the clearly flustered hospital manager, 'I'm afraid he has a rare psychological condition that forces him to compulsorily masturbate 12 times a day'.
Further down the ward they pulled back a bed curtain to reveal a man laid on his bed being given a blowjob by a nurse.
'Good grief', exclaimed Liz, 'what is this?'.
A more composed hospital manager explained, 'actually he has the same condition as the previous man...
...except he's with BUPA'.
'Oh dear,' said her maj, 'what in heaven's name is his condition?!'
'Please accept my apologies', mumbled the clearly flustered hospital manager, 'I'm afraid he has a rare psychological condition that forces him to compulsorily masturbate 12 times a day'.
Further down the ward they pulled back a bed curtain to reveal a man laid on his bed being given a blowjob by a nurse.
'Good grief', exclaimed Liz, 'what is this?'.
A more composed hospital manager explained, 'actually he has the same condition as the previous man...
...except he's with BUPA'.
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
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hippy dave
- Meltdown
- Posts: 2128
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am
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davemacfrombath
- The Moebius
- Posts: 1376
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
- Question: Orbital
- Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers
Duly deleted it - I have more than enough porn sites to keep me going for a while! -
usernick
- Detached
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- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:25 pm
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- Question: Orbital
- Anti Spam: Orbital
- Location: Welwyn Garden City
- Contact:
The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
<groan>
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
<groan>
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Timbob
- Monsters Exist!
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
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- Question: Orbital
- Anti Spam: Orbital
- Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
- Contact:
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.
"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses
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Timbob
- Monsters Exist!
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
- antispam: No
- Question: Orbital
- Anti Spam: Orbital
- Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
- Contact:
A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens.
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the oice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
"DIG!" says the voice.
The man looks around, a little confused.
"DIG!" Booms the oice again.
The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts
"OPEN!"
He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again
"CASINO!"
What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout
"ROULETTE!"
He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions.
"16 BLACK!" the voice says
So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red.
"FUCK!" shouts the voice...
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses
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Dollydagger
- Open Mind
- Posts: 1056
- Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 1:34 pm
- Question: Orbital
- Location: London
Think this has been around for a while but I got sent it again today and it made me laugh...
Economic Models - With Cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because your sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Economic Models - With Cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because your sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers.
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
I don't use Myspace anymore, you'll find me on Facebook ;-b
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davemacfrombath
- The Moebius
- Posts: 1376
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
- Question: Orbital
- Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers
Loopz Message Board:
You have 6 different versions of the same cow and you all argue about which one is the best.
Dog brags about knowing about the existence of a seventh version of which he, and only he, has tasted the milk...
You have 6 different versions of the same cow and you all argue about which one is the best.
Dog brags about knowing about the existence of a seventh version of which he, and only he, has tasted the milk...
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
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Timbob
- Monsters Exist!
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
- antispam: No
- Question: Orbital
- Anti Spam: Orbital
- Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
- Contact:
I heard Nick had a promo of the seventh cow. but trom said it was a hoaxcow.davemacfrombath wrote:Loopz Message Board:
You have 6 different versions of the same cow and you all argue about which one is the best.
Dog brags about knowing about the existence of a seventh version of which he, and only he, has tasted the milk...
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses
Yeah, it's difficult to know which is best. Some people on here reckon it's the Moodle of Nowhere, although classic tracks such as Bullfast and Beefed (with Angelo Badalamenti) are often put up as classics.davemacfrombath wrote:Loopz Message Board:
You have 6 different versions of the same cow and you all argue about which one is the best.
Mind you, everyone here agrees that the Weekend Ravers Mix of Funny Steak (One is Enough) is tosh.