There's a party in a bar and all the functions are there. Sinx, Cosx, Tanx, all the lads ya know? They're all having a great time but sat in the corner is e^x. When he's approached and asked why he isn't hanging out with all the other functions he replied "I tried to integrate but nothing happened!"
A young boy's question. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, dear?" "Pussy and bitch." Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy." "Thanks, Mom."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand." "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meaning." Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around her pubic area and said, "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle"
i read this one somewhere, made me think of davemac's first schoolday.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
also:
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "so I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone on board dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what her wish is. "I want to be gorgeous!" so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and exclaims, "I want to be gorgeous too!" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway along the queue of fuglies, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left this guy is rolling on the floor laughing! Finally, God reaches him and asks him what his wish will be. He calms down and smirks, "Make 'em all ugly again."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and noticing his wife in the bed says, "Just so you know, every time you refuse to have sex with me I'm going to fuck this pig".
"I think you'll find that's a sheep" says his wife.
"I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!" retorts the man...
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Saville Row suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window
and says to the shepherd, "Hey, if I tell you exactly how many
sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing
flock and calmly answers,
"Go on then, Why not?"
The guy parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Nokia phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up
a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data
via an email on his Bluetooth and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-
tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and
announces, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right", said the shepherd. Well, I suppose you can take one of my sheep."
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct, but how did you guess that?"
"Blindingly obvious," answered the shepherd.
"You showed up here even though I didn't call you. You want to be
paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked you; and
you obviously don't know anything about my business."
"Now, give me back my dog."
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!
Oh Matt that is the best joke I've read for ages! In my work we have so many consultants and that is so spot on - thanks for making my afternoon, I've just forwarded that on to all my work colleagues!
I don't use Myspace anymore, you'll find me on Facebook ;-b
A man is at a bar and is having a good time with his friends when all of a sudden he has to go to the bathroom. So he says "hey barkeep where is the bathroom". The bartander goes "it's down that hall and it is the third door on the ..." but at that moment their is a bit of noise and the man doesn't cath whether it is to the left or the right. So he heads down the hall he gets to the third door on the left and opens it and is relieved to see that it is the bathroom, but it is not any bathroom this bathroom has a golden toilet. The man uses the lavatory and goes back to the bar and finishes of the night with his buddies. A few weeks later he is back at the bar and has to go to the bathroom again so he goes back to the third door on the left but the golden toilet is missing. The man confused walks out and says "he barkeep where is your golden toilet run off to." To this the bar keep responds "so you're the jerk who shat in my tuba."
