Joke Thread

[chime]

Jordan's in the running for the 2009 Mum of the year award?????
That's the best one ever......

[legspin]

Apple have just announced a recall on a product they were planning to launch for the Christmas season, it was to be their first iPod branded product marketed especially for children. Based on the already popular iPod Touch® but featuring a simplified user interface and a more sensitive touch screen with larger, child friendly icons for easier navigation, it would also have featured volume limiters to protect children's delicate aural senses. It was also planned to be launched alongside a limited edition version that came pre-loaded with the Michael Jackson greatest hits album & concert movie This Is It.

Sadly, due to a naming misunderstanding and the death of it's famous affiliate, it doesn't look like Christmas shoppers around the world will be able to buy the iTouch Kids® any time soon.

[davemacfrombath]

welcome cesar. What's your favourite Orbital track? Put the answer in a new thread if you like.

[chime]

The local County Council are trying to keep the youngsters off the roads and pavements in the bad weather, so they have invested their money in a new machine
It's called the Gary Gritter!

[legspin]

Is it too early for Haiti earthquake jokes?

Or should I wait for the dust to settle?

[legspin]

Suicide Bombers To Go On Strike

Al-Qaeda fighters are said to be worried about the dwindling number of virgins

Suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Friday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next month from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al-Qaeda afford that many for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al-Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. "A major issue is that the remaining virgins are ugly and don't like rap music"

Abdullah Amir calls for an urgent review of virgin allocation

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice
allocation quotas.
One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Abd Al Haidar

[chime]

Bookies have stopped taking bets on Georgia winning any medals at this years winter olympics.
Oh well, some you win, some you luge!

[Badger]

LMAO

[chime]

Nice avatar Matt!!
PS - Have a ball mate, I'm expecting lots of pics & video!

[legspin]

"I see John Terry said he has shagged all the wives of the current England players bar one" said Wayne Rooney one morning looking up from his copy of the Sun.
"It must be Posh, she's a right stuck-up bitch" says Colleen.

[legspin]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

[Timbob]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

Good one

[legspin]

Julius Caesar was stood in the Forum, making a speech.
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I plan to go to Gaul, and not only will I conquer it, I'll kill 50,000 of the buggers!"
He duly went to Gaul, conquered it, came back, and declared both his victory and the number of deaths at 50,000.

Months later, after many tales had been spread around Rome as to his glory, he was in the Forum again, giving a speech about plans to conquer Germania, when Brutus piped up.
"Excuse me, Caesar, but for all your talk of the glorious conquest and killing 50,000 Gauls, you don't half talk a load of s**t."
"I don't know what you mean", replied Caesar.
"I went to Gaul recently, just to verify your claims. I'll admit you conquered it, but you didn't kill 50,000 Gauls. You only killed 25,000."
"Ah, but Brutus, you're forgetting something."
"What's that?"
"Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[legspin]

One of Sigmund Freud's lesser known theories relates to what he thought came between fear & sex?

































Fünf

[legspin]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

Good one

This why one should never open Mr. Schrödinger's luggage.