www.loopzorbital.com

Whats the first sign of madness?

Suggs walking up your driveway

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off! You won't bring it back."

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My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead

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All stolen from http://www.sickipedia.org/

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

I saw a blind man at a cash point the other day.. he asked me to check his balance ........... so I pushed him over !

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I phoned in sick this morning to work... they said whats wrong Flu ?? no I said ... im in bed with my gran !

Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
For Drizzle


Why did Snoop Dogg fry sausages?
For Sizzle.

(Don't worry, I've already got me coat)

Live on ITV1 tonight... the cremetion of Jeremy Beadle - You've been Flamed !¬!

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

A friend of mine was walking by the train lines the other day and came across a young woman tied to the track. I asked him what happened and he said 'well, after I untied her, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex in every position you can think of.'. 'Did you get a blow job?' I asked. 'No,' he replied, 'I couldn't find the head'.....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

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http://www.sickipedia.org/

another nasty...



A Leper goes into a bar on the Hottest Day of The Year. Everybody has their shirts off due to the heat, and the Leper takes off his shirt too. Now, it's so hot, the Leper is kinda chunking up, and getting kinda squishy, but he goes to the bar anyway and orders a beer. As he's sipping, he looks at a guy on a stool next to him, who is sneaking furtive glances in the Leper's direction. After getting a quick, strong look, the guy throws up on the bar... The Leper gets insulted, and says: "Excuse me, sorry I gross you out"... "No, no," the guy protests, it's not your fault"... The Leper gets even more pissed: "Well, if if it's not my fault, whose is it"? The guy on the stool swallows his sputum and gurgles: "It's the drunk guy behind you dipping potato chips in your back"...

Breaking News...

The Olympic flame has gone out in Paris....just proves that she will stick anything up her cunt.

There was a penguin driving along in his penguin car in Antarctica. It was a nice day for a drive, but he started hearing noises coming from the engine. He decided he would bring it into the service station to get fixed.

penguin - "how long do you think it will take to fix my car?"

polar bear mechanic - "well, we've got a couple penguin cars ahead of you. why don't you come back in an hour?"

So the penguin went across the street to get some ice cream while he waited. As penguins don't have opposable fingers, he decided to get a big bowl of vanilla ice cream instead of a cone. It was nonetheless messy as eating ice cream with a beak is not an easy task. The penguin polishes off the bowl just in time to head back to the garage.

penguin - "well, I'm back. what can you tell me?"

polar bear mechanic - "well, it looks like you've blown a seal."

penguin - "no, I was just eating ice cream."

hippy dave wrote:There was a penguin driving along in his penguin car in Antarctica.

Ha!
good one.

A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a kitkat chunky".

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No" says the man, "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch".