www.loopzorbital.com

I had a car accident this morning - went straight into the back of someone.
Bloke got out of his car, he was a dwarf. He came over and he said "I'm not happy".
So I said "Well which one are you then?"

A cannibal went on holiday, only to come back with one of his arms missing
"what happened to you?", asked his mate
"I went self catering", came the reply


Chime

hehe
must've been a budget trip

Good King Wencelas rang his local pizza parlour to place an order
"Good Evening Your Majesty, your usual order?"
"Yes please", came the reply
Deep pan, crisp and even.....

I'll get my coat...


Chime

A London cabbie is driving along when he sees a young, nubile, totally naked woman by the side of the road.

The woman frantically flags the cab down, so he stops, finds out where she's going and lets her in.

After a few minutes the driver realises he may have shot himself in the foot. So he turns round and says 'excude me, but seeing as you've got no clothes on, how do you propose to pay me?'

At which point the woman opens her legs and says, 'Well, how about this?'.

To which the cabbie responds, 'Have you got anything smaller?'.

Oh.
Dear.

Two pieces of black tarmac were enjoying a quiet drink in their local when the door burst open and in walked a rather mean looking piece of red tarmac.
One of the black pieces of tarmac dived under the pub table and stayed there while the red piece slowly walked round the pub looking for trouble.
Eventually the red piece walked out of the pub and the black tarmac emerged from under the table still shaking uncontrollably
"Why are you scared of him?", asked his mate
"Because he's a f*****g cycle path" came the reply

Arf!


Chime

With all the sadness and trauma going  on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very  important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry  LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started...

Chime

Two Muslim women speaking about their kids.
The first one asked the other: "So how is Ahmed? I havent seen him about for a while!"
The second woman replies: "No, he became a martyr on his 17th birthday, he was fighting the jihad!"
So the first one said: "Yes, my Jalal was the same, but he was 16 at the time!"
"I dont know" sighed the first woman, "They blow up so fast these days!"

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would  like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord !!" Amazed that this guy knows about jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole  place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a  jazz chord, play a jazz chord !!" A bit pi55ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his  band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The  crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The  little old man jumps up again. "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord !!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage and starts to sing................. . . . . . . . . .







"A  jazz chord, to say, I ruv you...... !!"


Chime

Ha ha ha

* beathes in *

Hmm..

After hearing of the sad death of Luciano Pavarotti, Elton John has approached Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras with the possibility of him joining The Three Tenors
They will now be known as Two Tenors and a Nine Bob Note

I paid €600 for eight legs of venison recently. Does anyone else think that is too dear.