www.loopzorbital.com

you're fired.

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment and so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use as its house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would get friendly by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink. So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from my the centipede.

So, I waited A few minutes more, wondering what to do. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face right up against the centipede's house and shouting loudly, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:

Then I heard him say, in a very loud and brusque manner:

"Keep your hair on, I'm putting my fookin shoes on!"

Mickey Mouse's lawyer says:
"You can't divorce Minnie because her teeth protrude"

Mickey says:
"That's not what I meant when I said she's fucking goofy"!

Monastery Life


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,



"The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping
his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge
of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through the San Diego Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

*groan*

~~~~

My Dog Named Sex


Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex"
My case comes up in court on Friday.

~~~~

> This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
>
> Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
>
> Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
> The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they
> are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes",
he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
>
> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number)
for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize.
>
> One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop
to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
>
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.

What is your name? First only please."
>
> Contestant: "Brian."
>
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>
> Brian: "Sara."
>
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
>
> that if a trip wasn't at stake."
>
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a
couple of weeks..."
>
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
>
> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and
call her up.

You listen to this."
>
> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
>
> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)
>
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
>
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>
> Clerk: "This is she."
>
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
>
> and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
>
> give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
>
> rules of 'Mate Match'?"
>
> Sarah: "No."
>
> DJ: "Good!"
>
> Brian: (laughing)
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
>
> completely honest."
>
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
>
> If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you
> will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
>
> DJ: "What time?"
>
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
> his manhood.

We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a
trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"

> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

> Sarah: "Well..."
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
> Sarah: "Up the arse....."
>
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
>
> And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!
>

an oldie but a goodie

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me? " says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean? " says the newcomer.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir, "she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

A journalist asks Paul McCartney if he'll ever go down on one knee again.
Paul replies 'I'd rather you called her Heather.'

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!"
and pushed him off.

I dunno what Heather Mills is complaining aboot - not only did McCartney buy her a plane...


















he also bought her a ladyshave for the other leg...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

http://immense-world.blogspot.com/2006/ ... enius.html

For those of a mathematical bent