Joke Thread

The General Discussion forum has been setup to enable any kind of non-music discussions between the visitors of the website.

Moderators: Loopz, usernick, legspin, jof, the PLA

Post Reply
User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1134
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

During a recent survey on the efficacy of Fellatio, the following results were observed

10% of men liked the sensation

12% of men liked the excitement

78% of men liked the silence
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1134
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments." The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments." The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?" They're free." "We'll take 10."



There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

User avatar
hippy dave
Meltdown
Posts: 2128
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am

Post by hippy dave »

yes, i'm offended. why didn't god speak to the atheists? :(
dance your cares away, worries for another day

User avatar
Timbob
Monsters Exist!
Posts: 2271
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
Contact:

Post by Timbob »

hippy dave wrote:yes, i'm offended. why didn't god speak to the atheists? :(
He did

God said:
i have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The atheists where going (fingers in ears) NANANANANA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!! NANANA NANANA
Image
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses

User avatar
hippy dave
Meltdown
Posts: 2128
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am

Post by hippy dave »

ah that explains it, thanks.
dance your cares away, worries for another day

User avatar
Timbob
Monsters Exist!
Posts: 2271
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
Contact:

Post by Timbob »

A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.
Image
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses

User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

A man goes into hospital with his wife who's pregnant. Anyway, she has the baby and a short while later the doctor comes up to them and says 'Ive got some good news and some bad news for you'
'well whats the bad news doc?'
'The bad news is that your baby has been born with bright ginger hair'
'well whats the good news?'
'The good news is that it's dead....'
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

User avatar
the PLA
Sinner
Posts: 391
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 12:33 am
Question: Orbital
Location: Chandler, Arizona. USA
Contact:

Post by the PLA »

Not a joke, just a bit of wisdom.....


Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


:twisted:
OUT
OF
STEP

User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

RUDE JOKE WARNING. DO NOT READ.

A man on a train glanes at the woman seated opposite and, after a while, realises that she's doing a Sharon Stone.

She notices him staring and says 'I see you've noticed my, err, jo-jo. do you want to see it wink?'

He (of couse) says 'yes'.

The jo-jo duly winks at him.

'I've NEVER seen anything like that before' he exclaims, excitedly.

'That's nothing,' she retorts, 'it can also blow you a kiss'.

After a bit of wriggling around, the jojo blew the guy a kiss, much to his delight.

After a couple of minutes the woman asks 'Would you like to put 2 fingers up?'

To which he replies...


























'Fucking hell, can it whistle as well?'

boom boom.
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

User avatar
Timbob
Monsters Exist!
Posts: 2271
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:17 am
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Breakfast with Karl Bartos.
Contact:

Post by Timbob »

For sale: Parachute.
Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Image
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses

User avatar
usernick
Detached
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:25 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Welwyn Garden City
Contact:

If Football teams were women...

Post by usernick »

Fulham - Charlotte Church
Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson
Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them getting a good seeing-to.

Wigan - Davina McCall
Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud
Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona
Once the people's favourite but now just an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came please.

Spurs - Kiera Knightly
Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine, and proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Danni Minogue
The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was that they were supposed to be any good.

Arsenal - Jordan
Were more likeable when they weren't packed with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh
Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but will need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido
Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had a few years ago

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens
You'd rather just watch them than listen to all the painful whining.

Bolton - Clare Balding
You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth

Man United - Catherine Zeta Jones
Used to look great until they were shafted by an old fat American with too much money

User avatar
Loopz
Site Admin
Posts: 2750
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2005 3:27 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: Birmingham in UK
Contact:

Post by Loopz »

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side


"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.


I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."


Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly, replied Jack. I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."


Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.


" I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.


"Exactly," replied Jill, "and if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will."

User avatar
Acid Gaz
Sinner
Posts: 367
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2005 1:58 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: Sarf Lahn

Post by Acid Gaz »

The Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Peter Crouch and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 min left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, he scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful!" says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten up and robbed, your brother has joined a gang of looters and the car was stolen and wrecked while you were having a great time"

The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, I'm so sorry"

"Sorry?" says his mum, "Sorry? It's all your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

2 snowmen in a field.

one says to the other - 'do you smell carrots?'
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

User avatar
usernick
Detached
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:25 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Welwyn Garden City
Contact:

Post by usernick »

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand andfinds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says,
"Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B****ards"

Post Reply