25 Soho Square
London W1 4FA
Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-Goran Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup.
As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup and the Ashes, England’s success boosts all British nations and we know how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our ancient nations together.
To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any information, which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it, you understand, but one never knows.
What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, Latin diving, Teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Caribbean forming a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In the capital here we find it quite extraordinary!
I know well you all take delight in the support of England whenever any of you manage a shock result and am sure of the same fulsome support from you chaps in this instance.
You remain, hopefully, our humble servants
The Football Association of Wales
11 / 12 Neptune Court,
Cardiff CF24 5PJ
Dear Mr Barwick,
Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote areas all over rural Wales in celebration.
As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translated from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.
I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity of your only hope.
As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.
Twll dîn pob Sais
80 Merrion Square
Ah Brian how’s it going
All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye know that?
We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have anyhow.
I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118, 1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars.
Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will.
However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with seamus insert name of whoever the bastrds are playing and so therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided.
As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send over young Wayne’s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a birthday card?
Yours as ever
Seán Ó Blarney
The Scottish Football Association
F**k off you English c**ts
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.