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memly
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Post by memly »

davemacfrombath wrote:Very good Dolly.

Legspin - you are a bad, bad man...


Check out the joke "moderator" :wink:
I don't know you people...why are you here?
MEMS MUZAK

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legspin
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Post by legspin »

davemacfrombath wrote:Very good Dolly.

Legspin - you are a bad, bad man...
I humbly accept your munificence, Oh Master!
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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Funky Dung
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Post by Funky Dung »

Loopz wrote:Letters to the editor that never made it to print.
They all made it to print. They're from the last few issues of Viz. Tsk. :roll:
Last edited by Funky Dung on Thu Feb 23, 2006 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
"People say that alcohol's a drug. It's not a drug, it's a drink."

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Funky Dung
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Post by Funky Dung »

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.
"People say that alcohol's a drug. It's not a drug, it's a drink."

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Loopz
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Post by Loopz »

Funky Dung wrote:
Loopz wrote:Letters to the editor that never made it to print.
They all made it to print. They're from the last few issues of Viz. Tsk. :roll:
I didnt write that you pedant! :wink: i just got the email and thought i would paste it all here :P

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Funky Dung
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Post by Funky Dung »

Loopz wrote:I didnt write that you pedant! :wink: i just got the email and thought i would paste it all here :P
Hey, I just wanted to point out that they were from Viz. People keep saying "Viz isn't funny anymore" but it's still feckin hilarious, as shown by those letters. Just giving respect where it's due. :P
"People say that alcohol's a drug. It's not a drug, it's a drink."

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Post by legspin »

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included 45 quid in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "fuck off, that's what the beer was for!"
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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Karnorjax
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Post by Karnorjax »

A Lion, Bear and Chicken are having a discussion on who is the hardest animal of the three..

Lion says...." Im actualy the hardest.... i roar so loud the all the creatures in the jungle go and hide from me "


Bear says... " Im the Hardest... I rear up on my hind legs and roar and the mountains tremble "

Chicken says... " I win all I have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself"
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!

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cheese
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Post by cheese »

Hi, don't panic, I'm in hospital. I've poisoned myself!!! I ate what I thought was an onion but it turned out to be a daffodil bulb!

Doctors say I'll be out in the spring :wink:

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little twin star
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Post by little twin star »

ha i remember our webmaster sending me this joke as a txt years ago.. i was really worried until the next txt appeared..

actualy, thats a lie, i didnt get the joke so i kept worrying until the joke was explained to me

lol

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Post by legspin »

The FA
25 Soho Square
London W1 4FA


Dear Sir,

Our Head Coach, Mr Sven-Goran Ericsson, has asked me, on the eve of our departure to Germany for the World Cup Finals, for which we have qualified, to ask our fellow Home Nations to come to our assistance so that England may be 100% sure of winning the World Cup.
As you are no doubt aware from the winning of the Rugby World Cup and the Ashes, England’s success boosts all British nations and we know how you all enjoyed basking in the reflected glory which bonds our ancient nations together.
To this end, we request and require that you furnish, forthwith, any information, which may aid us on our quest. We don’t expect to need it, you understand, but one never knows.
What we have in mind is tactical appraisals of our opponents, whom you may have encountered whilst failing to qualify yourselves. Foreign styles of play, underhand methods of influencing the referee, Latin diving, Teutonic bullying, you know the sort of thing. Also, if there is any advice of the legality of two apparently separate islands in the Caribbean forming a joint enterprise for the express purpose of winning a soccer match. In the capital here we find it quite extraordinary!
I know well you all take delight in the support of England whenever any of you manage a shock result and am sure of the same fulsome support from you chaps in this instance.

You remain, hopefully, our humble servants

Brian Barwick


____________________________________________________



The Football Association of Wales
11 / 12 Neptune Court,
Vanguard Way,
Cardiff CF24 5PJ
CYMRU


Dear Mr Barwick,

Thank you for your interesting and brilliant letter. As you know we are your nearest neighbours, and sharing a long border with you, know you more intimately and therefore love you more intimately than anybody else. How we enjoyed your Rugby victory! Bonfires were lit in remote areas all over rural Wales in celebration.
As you no doubt don’t know, all correspondence from Lloedr is translated from Saes to Cymraeg in accordance with the Rules of our Association. I had your brave letter translated and passed it to Dafydd ab Sylwtlyhatesinglish hew is hedd of our tactical spying unit.
I am sori to haf to tell ewe that there was a coch up in the translation which meant that Dafydd, completely by accident, got the whole thing arseways and provided all your opponents with a dossier on your players instead. In particular, I have to warn you that your manager may be targeted by dusky beauties who may give him the bends while he goes diving as it were. Also watch out for Paraguayan grannies in the vacinity of your only hope.
As ever, if there is anything else we can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.

Twll dîn pob Sais

Mervyn Miseri

________________________________________________________



FA Ireland
80 Merrion Square
Dublin 2

Ah Brian how’s it going

All the lads here wish ye the very best in the World Cup. Sure don’t ye know that?
We always want England to do well. There has been too much old guff about history and bad blood and we should forget about all that. We have anyhow.
I mean, nowadays who is interested in Pope Adrian (the only English Pope) blessing the English invasion which took all our lands and divided it up amongst the English? Who wants to know about Cromwell putting the women and children of Drogheda and Wexford to the sword; the Penal Laws that outlawed the one true Catholic faith and the outlawing of the beloved Gaelic language. The crushing of the brave rebels in 1118, 1250, 1336, 1388 1542, 1612. 1798, 1848, 1916. Sure we have forgotten all about the Famine, where one million of us were starved to death, skin and bone with grass stain about our hungry mouths with pestilence rapine and disease stalking every corner of the land whilst our young men fought in the front lines of the trenches of your imperial wars.
Having forgotten all that, and the unfinished business in a corner of our land, we would of course be delighted to support England, and we will.
However, you must be aware of our longstanding emigrant links with seamus insert name of whoever the bastrds are playing and so therefore, on this one occasion, our loyalties may be somewhat divided.

As a favour Brian: - my daughter is a big Man U fan and could you send over young Wayne’s birth cert (and his folks) so she can send him a birthday card?

Yours as ever

Seán Ó Blarney

_______________________________________________________


The Scottish Football Association
Hampden Park
Glasgow
G42 9AY


Dear Brian,


F**k off you English c**ts


Hamish McSporran
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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davemacfrombath
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Post by davemacfrombath »

Well, you can be sure that, if we do win it, we'll be modest and unassuming as ever. In fact, you'll hardly know it has happened as the celebrations will be most muted and understated.

Every Ingerlund match will be mostly ignored by the tabloid press, particularly the final and especially if it happens to be against Argentina or our Prussian and Bavarian friends.

Should any misfortune fall our way - say, via a disallowed goal, sending off or injury, the whole English nation will demonstrate our reknowned sense of fair play by taking it on the chin in a most dignified manner.

After the riots have fizzled out, obviously...
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

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Post by legspin »

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these!
Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:














(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
















You not Nissan Main Deala?"
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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Post by Acid Gaz »

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the renaissance.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

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hippy dave
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Post by hippy dave »

:lol:
dance your cares away, worries for another day

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