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Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 1:46 am
by legspin
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The egg roll over and goes to sleep

That answers that question

Posted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 10:59 am
by davemacfrombath
What did the fish say after it swam into a wall and hurt its head?


Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 1:46 pm
by Acid Gaz
Some more one-liners -

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:03 pm
by memly
Thanks Gaz. Now everyone in my office is looking at me wondering why I'm wetting myself.

God knows why I find corny one liners hilarious....

Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 3:28 pm
by Acid Gaz
memly wrote:Thanks Gaz. Now everyone in my office is looking at me wondering why I'm wetting myself.

God knows why I find corny one liners hilarious....
OK, just for you then -

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 1:28 am
by legspin
A georgeous redhead goes to the doctors office.
Says that her body hurts whereever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me".
The redhead took her finger, pushed her left breast and screamed.
Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her ankle and screamed.
Eveywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said "you're not really a redhead, are you"?.
No she replied. I'm actually a blonde.
"I thought so" said the doctor. "Your finger is broken"!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Irish driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with WW, MO or MH plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the motorway.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ireland during rush hour.

8. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

9. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ireland is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert!

10. It is tradition in Ireland to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

11. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windscreen right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

12. Remember that the goal of every Irish driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

13. Remember this simple rule - Green for go, Amber for go, Red for proceed with caution.

14. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:54 am
by Loopz
Letters to the editor that never made it to print

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer (2005), which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff - BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. --Ben Hunt.

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. --John.

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. --Colum Hill.

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. --L Palmer, London.

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. --P Boddington, Ringway.

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.-- Paul Mulraney, Belfast.

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '*unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?--Noel, Leeds.

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? --Alun Daniel.

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or all three.--Alan Thakray.

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? --P. Jones, Bristol

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. --Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. --T Barnham, London.

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa. --Les Barnsley.

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. --Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? --John Campbell, Email.

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Man's a Genius. --Mike Woods, Email.

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. --Shuggie, Email.

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. --Chris Scaife, Jesmond.

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? --Dave Owen, Edinburgh.

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered into a grin imagining his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooom!" sound as he took his final breaths. --Tripod.

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. --Stan.

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. --Thomas J.

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 7:03 pm
by davemacfrombath
post of the week.

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 1:13 pm
by Acid Gaz
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations.

The only question asked was... "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because...:

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what an "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what a "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:28 pm
by trompurple
it would be funny if there wasn't some truth to it.

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:31 pm
by Acid Gaz
trompurple wrote:it would be funny if there wasn't some truth to it.
Yep, a bit of a 'hoax joke'....

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:37 am
by trompurple

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 11:14 am
by legspin
Many years ago, there was a nice young man named George. More than anything else in life, George loved the trolley cars of San Francisco. He went through the training and became a trolley car conductor. He was in heaven. Everyone loved George, his co-workers, his supervisors and bosses, the kids, his passengers, everyone.

One day while driving his trolley, a car was hit by George’s trolley. The owner, a San Francisco blue blood, was incensed at the damaged caused by George’s trolley and sued the company. The man won the lawsuit, but paying the cost of the lawsuit and the damages caused the small company to go out of business. Poor George was out of a job that he loved. What was he to do?

George found work at another trolley car company. George’s references were impeccable and many of the people in the other company knew or knew of George, so he got another job. Once again, George was in heaven. After several years of perfect attendance and perfect conductoring, George got another blemish on his record. A visiting movie star was in town to hype a movie she hoped would rekindle a fading career. Suddenly, her small dog broke free from its owner’s leash and ran out into the street in front of George’s trolley. George hit the brakes, but trolley cars do not stop quickly. George hit and killed the poor little critter. George was devastated. He also lost another job when the movie star saw a chance to get her name in the headlines by suing the trolley company for George’s "negligence". Although the company won the lawsuit, the board of director’s decided that they did not want to take a chance on George’s luck running out again while in their employ. Once again he was out of a job.

Fortunately, San Francisco had several trolley companies and soon George had another job. For ten years George was always at work on time, making many friends throughout the city. But, once again disaster struck poor George. The car of a foreign ambassador ran a red light one day and, as luck would have it, George’s trolley car hit the vehicle, killing the diplomat. The foreign power was outraged and demanded that George be punished for his crime. George had the support of his company, but the pressure of the government resulted in his being found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to die in California’s electric chair. And so, George went off to prison. He never complained. He figured he had lived his dream throughout most of his life and if he couldn’t drive a trolley car, death was the next best thing. But his personality never changed. Everyone at the prison liked George, the guards, the warden, even the other prisoners.

Finally the day came. The evening before the warden came personally to say good-bye to George and ask for his last meal request. George asked what was on the menu. The warden said he could have anything he wanted. George thought for a moment and said, “If I can have anything I want for my last meal, I would like to have a large bowl of vanilla ice cream and some graham crackers.”

Although this seemed a strange request, the warden saw to it that George got his wish. George got the biggest bowl of vanilla ice cream he had ever seen along with an entire box of graham crackers. George went to sleep that night a very contented man. The next morning, George was taken from his cell and walked down Death Row to the waiting chair. He was strapped in and displaying no emotion said good-bye to the observers. The switch was thrown and . . . nothing. The chair had failed. This was amazing, the chair never failed.

George was unstrapped and returned to his cell. The other inmates cheered his good fortune. George’s appointment with the chair was rescheduled for the following week. In the meantime, workers began checking out the chair to locate the problem. They checked and rechecked, but found nothing inoperative.

The night before his execution, the warden again came to say good-bye to George. Once again, he was asked for his last meal request. Once again, George replied, “If I can have anything I want for my last meal, I would like to have a large bowl of vanilla ice cream and some graham crackers.” Once again, George received a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and a box of graham crackers for his final meal. Except for his pending date with the electric chair, George felt about as happy as any man on earth. Morning broke, and George was once again led down the corridor to the chair. Again, all of the prisoners on Death Row stood at their cell doors to say good-bye to this well-liked man. He was strapped tightly into the chair and sat stoically while preparations were completed. The switch was thrown and once again, nothing happened. This was amazing! George was unstrapped and once again led back to his cell. His execution was now rescheduled for a month later.

In the meantime, the prison ordered and received a new electric chair. The chair was tested and retested. Everything worked as it was supposed to work. The wiring in the building was replaced with new. Finally, all was ready for George. Once again, the warden came calling the night before his slated execution. He said his good-byes and asked for George’s last meal request. And again, George replied, “If I can have anything I want for my last meal, I would like to have a large bowl of vanilla ice cream and some graham crackers.” Again, George received a huge bowl of vanilla ice cream and a box of graham crackers.

The next morning all went as before. George was led down the corridor saying good-bye to all of his friends in the prison Death Row, the guards and the other prisoners. George was strapped into the chair and waved good-bye with his fingers to the witnesses. The switch was thrown and, wonder of wonders, the chair failed! When George was led out of the execution chamber, the people present went crazy. Everyone cheered because they knew that according to the law at the time, if it was attempted to execute a prisoner three times, and each attempt failed, it was considered an ‘Act of God,’ and the prisoner was released.

After collecting his belongings George was headed for the prison gate to resume his life. Maybe, he thought he might be able to drive a trolley car again. At the gate, the warden asked George, “I have to know, why did you always choose vanilla ice cream and graham crackers for your last meal? Other prisoners try to come up with elaborate menus in the hope that it will delay their execution while the foods are prepared.”

George simply said, “When I was growing up, our family was poor. We never had dessert with our meals; often we didn’t have meals. Ice cream was always my favorite treat, especially vanilla. When you told me I could have anything I wanted for my meal, I could not think of anything better than vanilla ice cream. The graham crackers were just something to go with the ice cream.”

“But why,” asked the incredulous warden, “did the chair fail when we threw the switch? That chair worked perfectly before your execution and after. Why do you think it wouldn’t work when we had you in it? We even replaced it with a new one. Why?”

George thought about it for a moment and then replied, “Well, I’ve always been a bad conductor.”

The Birds & The Bees

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 11:33 am
by Dollydagger
A mother asked her ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.

"Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!!!"

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 12:25 pm
by davemacfrombath
Very good Dolly.

Legspin - you are a bad, bad man...