Joke Thread

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chime
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chime »

How do you annoy Heather Mills?

Nick Clegg
:)

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

Oxo are introducing a new white oxo cube with a red cross on it to support the England team. Its going to be called the 'laughing stock!'
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by memly »

Ouch!
I don't know you people...why are you here?
MEMS MUZAK

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

To make matters worse, I've heard that it has a tendency to crumble in the box...
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

Police have recently arrested a 15-year-old boy who was caught spraypainting extracts from late 1st/early 2nd century AD Roman satires on shop walls. It was a case of Juvenal delinquency.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked: "Could you tell me which grooming products you use?"

You should've seen the look on her face when I said: "Facebook, Haribo sweets & puppies..."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by memly »

legspin wrote:A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked: "Could you tell me which grooming products you use?"

You should've seen the look on her face when I said: "Facebook, Haribo sweets & puppies..."
:shock: :shock:

:applause
I don't know you people...why are you here?
MEMS MUZAK

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

England 327/8
Ireland 328/7

Ahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha... etc.

Sorry, couldn't resist
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by memly »

God, smells a bit canned meaty around here...

Mind you, they're funnier than some of the other posts on this thread... :Handbag
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by usernick »

memly wrote:God, smells a bit canned meaty around here...

Mind you, they're funnier than some of the other posts on this thread... :Handbag
Sorted - as a veggie, I do hate spam! :lol: :P

8)

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stimpee
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by stimpee »

Guy walks up to a really fat chick in a night club and asks her if she has a pen. She smiles and says yes, to which the guy says "Well you better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're gone!"

*hangs head*

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chime
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chime »

Stevie wonder is on tour and it's afternoon rehearsals. "There's a problem with this harmonica, it's not working" shouts Stevie. The roadie wanders over and says "That's not a Harmonica, you've just sucked the choclolate off the side off my crunchie!" lol :)

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Spleen Head »

How do Orbital unlock a locked door?

With one key.... I'll get me coat.

Have you seen the trailer for the new Spielberg film? It's about a man who pours hot turkey fat over the diary of Ann Frank.

It's baste on a true story............ I have more, equally as bad.

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