Joke Thread

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Kyjapco
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Kyjapco »

Old man visiting the doctor, he tells the doctor...His dick is throbbing [--like--Not the doctor's dick--The old guys dick is throbbing see?
So the doctor asks him --- he asks, "Have you had SEX RECENTLY?
And the old guy says -- He says, "YEAH ABOUT TEN DAYS AGO, WHY?"
So the doctor asks him, he asks him, "DO YOU REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE WOMAN YOU HAD SEX WITH?'
And the old guy says, "YEAH"
And the doctor asks him, he asks him, "DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE SHE LIVES ?'
And the old guy says, "YEAH"
And the doctor says, he says, "IS SHE AT HOME RIGHT NOW?"
And the old guy says, "I THINK SO"
So the doctor says, he says--"WELL I THINK YOU BETTER GET OVER THERE RIGHT NOW - YOU'RE ABOUT TO COME!!"


:roll
Today,Tomorrow..Yesterday

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Acid Gaz
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Acid Gaz »

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to passionately kiss a nun.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says, 'pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Hallowe'en party'.

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Karnorjax
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Karnorjax »

Thanks to the credit crunch, Hallowe’en’s come early to our place.
We're now operating with a skeleton staff in what's fast becoming a bloody ghost town

An elderly lady receives an email from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20 per cent cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"


The credit crunch is getting bad isn't it?
I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back. Turns out I'm now Britain's third biggest lender.
I've had terrible financial problems during the credit crunch, but I'm getting back on my feet again now.
They've repossessed the car.


Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

Al Qaeda have a new bomb plot. They are putting explosives in cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

If they go off it could spell total disaster.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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davemacfrombath
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by davemacfrombath »

I was accosted by moonies the other day and, naturally, started taking the piss.

So they reported me to the police.

I'm now on the sects offenders register....
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his back with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And he walked away.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself. "I have to do something for him.I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods
And the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here" , the little guy said. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer replied. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He then added, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer answered. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's your sex life?"
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?" responded the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," said the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

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the PLA
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by the PLA »

The irony of a blowjob is that even though you've got the girl kneeling at your feet, she still has you by the balls.

:D
OUT
OF
STEP

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Karnorjax
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Karnorjax »

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00g4ywy

My Mate Wil Hodgeson on Radio 4 last nite !

Very funny view of his home town of the peoples republic of Chippenham !!

A town most of us know and love please pass this link on too all the people you know..

Well worth a listen... hope you enjoy it...
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!

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chime
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chime »

Our local vicar died yesterday after several large metal pipes fell on him
Turns out he died from massive organ failure...
:-)

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chime
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chime »

Man goes to doctors:
"Doctor.I think ive caught Swine Flu"
"Really.What are your symptoms?" says the doctor
"Im covered in rashers" says the man.


I rang the NHS Swine Flu helpline.It was a terrible line.All I got was crackling

:-)

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chime
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chime »

Just ordered a Ricky Hatton toaster, but I'm taking it back as it only does two rounds!
:-)

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legspin
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by legspin »

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."


Prince Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."


Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."


Now seriously troubled, HRH turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"


"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.

Scram865
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Scram865 »

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Maskapony.

Ugh... :? :applause Boo Hiss etc

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usernick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by usernick »

From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post: (Dunno how old the email is, so it might not actually have been yesterday)

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1.00 per car and £5.00 per coach.

On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.

The Council said, "That car park is your responsibility."
The Zoo said, "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?"
The Council said, "What attendant?"

Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400.00 per day for the last 23 years...!

:roll

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Timbob
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Timbob »

Scram865 wrote:What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Maskapony.

Ugh... :? :applause Boo Hiss etc

That was terrible!
Loved it :D
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We got a full tank of gas,
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It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses

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