Joke Thread

The General Discussion forum has been setup to enable any kind of non-music discussions between the visitors of the website.

Moderators: Loopz, usernick, legspin, jof, the PLA

Post Reply
User avatar
usernick
Detached
Posts: 1768
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:25 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Welwyn Garden City
Contact:

Post by usernick »

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10
minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."
User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1138
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

This is reported by a graduate of the Univ. of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's Final Test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh is known for asking questions like this one on his final exam, "Why do airplanes fly?"
In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final Exam question was, "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Laws or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of the change in the volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and the pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during Freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true....... Thus hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1138
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

Old Sean lived alone in the West of Ireland.

He wanted to dig his field to put in potatoes, but it was very hard work and he had a bad back.

His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I 'm feelin' a bit down because it looks like I won't be able
to plant me spuds this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging and have no one to give me a hand.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Da


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Da

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the plot!

That's where I buried all them f****n' BODIES!

Your loving son, Mick


At 4 am the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local
Gardai showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth
of about six feet.

That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.


A few days later the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Da,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now.

It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

and that is, to be sure, the ONLY 'clever Irishman' joke I've ever heard. More's the pity.

Anyway, I was listening to the news just now when a newsflash came on about a hollywood actress being stabbed in New York City - what was her name? Reece, something...




















No, you idiot - with a knife!
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
User avatar
hippy dave
Meltdown
Posts: 2128
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am

Post by hippy dave »

usernick wrote:It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
hehehe when i read this joke last week it was brazil against australia :P
dance your cares away, worries for another day
User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1138
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

davemacfrombath wrote:and that is, to be sure, the ONLY 'clever Irishman' joke I've ever heard. More's the pity.

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a
football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket
and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one
of the English.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish. They all board the train.
The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into
a
toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect
the
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they
decide to copy the Irish on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip...
To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
English.
"Watch and learn..." says one Paddy.
When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon
after
the three English pile into another nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the irish leaves the
toilet
and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

That's two now :wink:
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
User avatar
hippy dave
Meltdown
Posts: 2128
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am

Post by hippy dave »

yeah well done, another old joke with the names changed :wink:
dance your cares away, worries for another day
User avatar
Kvagga
Omen
Posts: 456
Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2005 2:09 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: Espoo, Finland
Contact:

Post by Kvagga »

John was in big trouble for having forgotten his and his wife's wedding anniversary. Angered by this, his wife told him: "There'd better be a present that goes from 0 to 100 in less than five seconds in front of the garage tomorrow!"

The next morning John's wife found a small packet in front of the garage. She opened it and there was a scale...
User avatar
cheese
Saint
Posts: 139
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:24 pm

Post by cheese »

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a French
apartment. Apparently.........






it was murder on Zidanes floor ...
User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

jesus christ, that's painful...
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
User avatar
hippy dave
Meltdown
Posts: 2128
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 1:13 am

Post by hippy dave »

* rude joke alert *

:wink:


Man walks into a pub, walks up to the barmaid and says "gimme a pint. when I've drunk it I'm gonna rip your shirt off and kiss your nipples"

Naturally she is shocked but says nothing.

He drinks his beer, then demands another and says "when I finish this, I'm gonna get behind that bar, rip your knickers down and spank your arse until it's raw"

Naturally she is rather perturbed by this, and runs to tell her hubby Dave. He just tells her to chill, but to let him know if the geezer says anything else.

So, the geezer carries on and finishes his pint.

He then demands another, stating that when he's finished it, he's going to get behind the bar, rip off her knickers, flip her over, fill her pussy with Stella and drink it.

She goes mad with fear, running off to her husband.

"dave, dave, this geezer said he's gonna get behind the bar, rip off my knickers, flip me over, fill my pussy with Stella and drink it."

Dave runs into the storeroom and locks the door.


"what the fuck are you doing Dave?" she says startled..."Aren't you gonna beat him up?"

"No fucking way love" he says.....

"I ain't messing with anyone who can drink that much Stella"
dance your cares away, worries for another day
User avatar
custard99
Omen
Posts: 473
Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:16 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: planet hottie near the equator makes this duckie's tail all warped & bothered!
Contact:

Post by custard99 »

Here's a local joke but hope u geddit all the same.

Our lovely malay guys love to relax or take a fag and the phrase that goes with it is 'relax one corner'.

So, what would be the first thing a cool malay dude ask in a cicrcular room?

'How to relax!'
Quack! Dip, sip & Go!! Or, just do the kitty shake.

Image
User avatar
moke
Newbie
Posts: 15
Joined: Wed May 10, 2006 4:15 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: Bristol, UK

Post by moke »

Sorry in advance....

what's the first sign of madness?




suggs walking up your front path.

(thanks popbitch...)
User avatar
davemacfrombath
The Moebius
Posts: 1376
Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
Question: Orbital
Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers

Post by davemacfrombath »

...and Suggs has also been going around complaining aboot the rampant sexism in the music industry.

I think it's Madness gone politically correct.
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
User avatar
legspin
Open Mind
Posts: 1138
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 6:10 pm
antispam: No
Question: Orbital
Anti Spam: Orbital
Location: Dublin

Post by legspin »

In Plymouth there was a large aquarium, it was the pride of the town and had a worldwide reputation. Despite the decline in the fishing industry the tourism from the aquarium had bolstered the economy and prevented the town from slipping into the local recession that had struck many places along the same stretch of coast.

There were long halls full of crabs and eels and creatures from the deep of every description. All these long halls converged to a large central tank that contained the centre piece of the entire aquarium. Living within this vast tank were some of the oldest and rarest creatures housed anywhere on earth. There was a dolphin with 3 dorsal fins, a large walrus with tusks in the shape of the last 2 popes, a thin frail porpoise that was said to be 250 years old, and a giant squid that was every colour of the rainbow.

It was just last year that a startling thought came to the mayor of the town. He had been on his annual tour to show his appreciation for the aquarium when it dawned on him that there was little or no security overseeing the towns aquatic asset.

During a hurried conference with the directors overseeing the facility he demanded that more stringent measures be put in place to safeguard this hub of the tourist industry.

The scheme was an all round winner as not only did it provide the much needed security, it also gave the directors a chance to get themselves in the papers yet again. The mayor turned the whole thing into a political publicity coup by ensuring that five local fisherman who had lost their jobs through the fishing decline all became the new security force at the aquarium.

And so it was that Bob, Jim, Geoff, Bernard, and Sid all regularly patrolled the empty halls of the aquarium to ensure that no intruders ever made their way in to steal, disturb or damage the livestock.

A few weeks into the scheme, the tourists began to complain of small bags and wrappers on the floor and left on the edges of the tanks each day. Fearing any bad publicity, the directors quickly hauled in all five security guards and asked them to be extra vigilant in ensuring no people left any litter behind. The guards said that they would do their best.

The problem persisted and so the directors secretly installed security cameras in order to track down the culprits. The first morning that the tapes were viewed quickly established that it was the guards themselves that were the secret litter bugs.

In a heated meeting, the directors banned all food being brought onto the premises by any staff and the guards had a weeks wages docked from their pay.

Sleeping through the hot summer days and going hungry through the long nights soon began to became a drag. One particularly long night all five guards met near the central tank - hungry, tired, and exhausted.

"I need food," whimpered Bob.
"We could always eat the fish," suggested Sidney.
"Don't be stupid," said Geoff.
"Lets all stay calm," said Bernard.
"I've been thinking," said Jim, thoughtfully.
"Haven't we all," responded Geoff, "there's nothing else to do round here but think. I'm all thunk out."
"No, Look," continued Jim. "Here we all are famished, and there's a snack machine just over there."
"Oh, security guards vandalizing the snack machine, that'll go down a treat," said Bob, sarcastically.
Jim sighed. "No one need ever know."
"And what about the camera pointing straight at it?" asked Bernard.
"Aha, but there's no camera pointing at the back of it!" announced Jim.
Sidney looked on in despair. "Do you not think that has something to do with the fact that you would have to walk across the water of the main tank in order to reach the back of it? You idiot!"
"And what would we do with the wrappers?" Said Bob nervously. "There's talk of them searching us all soon, every morning!"
Jim smiled a long cunning smile. "As I said, I've been thinking. We can drop the wrappers into the tank itself, no one will ever see them."
Geoff was only half convinced. "There's still the matter of getting across the water without getting completely soaked."
"I've thought of that, watch this..." Jim walked over to the tank and splashed the water while listening.

As the others all watched in amazement, the prize animals of the aquarium all swam to the surface and made their way over to the crowd of men. Without even blinking, Jim removed his shoes and socks, rolled up his trousers, and then climbed aboard the walrus with the papal tusks. A difficult journey across the tank then ensued, followed by the even more difficult task of unscrewing the back of a snacks machine whilst astride a large walrus.

The pair were soon back safely across and the walrus was rewarded with a Crunchie, which it seem to enjoy. The men all enjoyed a feast of snacks and fizzy drinks and slipped the rubbish into the tank to sink out of view.

The next night, Bob said he would perform the ride as it looked like fun. He rippled his hand in the water and all the animals swam over with a look of pining on their faces. Bob chose the triple-finned dolphin and made his way to the machine. He selected a range of snacks for his colleagues and the dolphin chose a Twix.

The next night was more of the same with Sidney opting to perform the ride and the multi-coloured giant squid choosing a Snickers ice cream.

The following night, Bernard decided to give it a go and took the orders off all his colleagues. He was about to sit on the small frail porpoise when Geoff grabbed him back.

"Don't sit on that ancient thing" snapped Geoff.
"What?" asked Bernard.
"He's right" said Jim. "That creature is over 250 years old and very weak, if we were to kill it by riding it, that would ruin the little scheme we have going here. I say we never use this creature, the others are all strong enough anyway."
So Bernard rode across on the walrus and everyone was happy.

Several months later, after a set of extraordinary circumstances, David Attenborough was sitting in the offices of the aquarium directors. The directors apologised for disturbing his busy schedule and explained that they had discovered something amazing and he was the only man on earth that might be able to explain the event.

They explained at how concerned they had become that the level of outgoing snacks had risen sharply and yet the financial takings from the machines had dropped significantly. They had also noticed that the animals in the central tank had become increasingly tired and their appetites had dropped.

They had not connected the two at all at first. However, when they reviewed the footage of the security cameras, they found that nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening to any of the machines. Then one of the directors suddenly noticed that during the night something funny seemed to happen near the machine by the central tank. Although nothing seemed to happen to the machine itself, there were signs of large ripples in the water nearby just in view at the corner of the screen. A quick check of that stock record showed that this was the machine that had lost the most stock out of them all.

"And this is why we have called you in Mr. Attenborough, the only explanation we have is that the animals in the central tank are actually stealing snacks from the rear of the snacks machine. We even found that they have hidden the rubbish in the bottom of their tank."

David Attenborough agreed that it was all very exciting and that he would love to help out in any way he could. The directors said they were planning to open up 24 hours so that people could visit at night and watch the amazing creatures perform their daring raids.

Mr. Attenborough wasn't so sure. Too much human attention straight away could frighten the animals and make them stop their nightly snack swims. He suggested that the best idea would be to set up a hidden BBC film crew to film the animals at work. It could be broadcast live across the world and so give the directors the publicity they sought. if the animals slowly got comfortable with human presence then night opening could follow later.

The directors thought this was brilliant. They also decided not to tell the security guards as the idiots would probably get a bit camera hungry and try and hog the limelight. It was thought best to just to leave the guards to wander round as normal, oblivious to the global spotlight suddenly focused on the central tank.

And so it was that on the fateful night that over a billion people worldwide tuned in to stare at the grainy night vision camera shots as the world waited to witness the moment the animals would display their dazzling intelligence tricks in order to find food.

The directors all sat round a TV with the champagne nearby, all ready to toast the 8th wonder of the world right here in their aquarium in Plymouth.

Words like shock, disgust, and outrage don't nearly go far enough in describing what the directors felt when they witnessed the hulking fat form of Bernard slump himself onto the rarest dolphin in existence and proceed to waggle the creature across the water before performing a blatant act of vandalism mixed with insider company theft.

David Attenborough was deeply disappointed and annoyed at someone of his age and standing being made to hide in the cold darkness for nothing. The world watching at home found the whole thing to be very funny, but the amusement would only last for one night and it certainly wasn't going to pull the crowds in.

The very next morning, all five guards were summoned to hear of their instant dismissal and to explain/plead why the company shouldn't have them all locked up on criminal charges.

The guards selected Jim as their spokesman, as he was the most clever, and besides which, he'd got them all into this mess in the first place. The directors took several minutes to calm themselves down before one of them spoke.

"How? just How? how... How could you?" he finally exploded.
"We're all very sorry. Really, we are." Jim hesitantly replied.
"Sorry? you humiliate this company in front of the entire world and you say you're sorry!"
"Yes. We cannot say how sorry we are."
"We hired you to keep the place nice and you just littered it!"
"We're sorry about that."
"So we take away your messy snacks and you go behind our backs..."
"We're sorry about that as well."
"...And, without a care, you steal from this company..."
"And we're very sorry about that."
"And you selfishly drop your grubby litter into the main tank of the aquarium..."
"Ah, yes, we're sorry about that, too."
"...And you intentionally put the animals at risk. Yes! You deliberately gambled the well being of all five of our rarest specimens, all for your own greed. We could have lost all five of our prize collection through your own very stupid and very deliberate actions!"
"Actually sir, that isn't quite true..."
"What?"
"We didn't do it on porpoise."
:wink:
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
Post Reply