Joke Thread

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memly
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by memly »

Woah!

they're so bad they're good! Well done Spleen Head. :D
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Spleen Head »

Thanks. Nothing better than a crap home made joke. I'm quite proud of the baste joke.

My mate was doing a sand sculpture of a tiger on the beach when we were on holiday. It was massive. So big it was dangerous. Someone had to tell him he had gone to far. So I drew a lion in the sand.........,

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Heywood Jablomie »

It's a little known fact that Mahatma Gandhi had very hardened skin on the soles of his feet from walking barefoot all of the time. He also is alleged to have suffered from bad breath all his life, due to his strict vegan diet.

One could say he was a super-calloused-fragile-mystic, expect hallitosis.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Spleen Head »

As a child, me and my dad would go to the local hill to play. He would put me in a car tyre and push me down the hill.

They were good years.....

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by dyentrush »

lol

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Spleen Head »

Have you heard about when Captain Kirk got caught shagging his stun gun.

It was just a phaser he was going through.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by davemacfrombath »

Tim Vine, eat your heart out!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Spleen Head »

My girlfriend sat on my face and asked me to perform cunny lingus. She got really angry because I was doing it wrong.

I got a clit round the ear hole.

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Post by aimeusdietger »

Acid Gaz wrote:
Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:17 pm
To be read in a Tommy Cooper style:
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1 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home". "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
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12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night. check how to get rid of anxiety over here
Haha...each and every number is hilarious..i cant stop laughing and coughing an laughing again!! I will definitely memorize this and be on top of my game when i meet up with my friends during Christmas ..Thanks!!

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