Joke Thread

trompurple · Post by **trompurple** » Fri Apr 06, 2007 2:26 pm

Karnorjax wrote:http://mysite.orange.co.uk/screendump/i ... 3980190032

looks like that was made on a pc too

Dollydagger · Post by **Dollydagger** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 11:56 am

ha ha knew Trom'd leap to Mac's defence

trompurple · Post by **trompurple** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 1:48 pm

hmmm. Where's Jof when you need him?

Dollydagger · Post by **Dollydagger** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 2:41 pm

in nottingham apparently

legspin · Post by **legspin** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:23 am

Paddy is on top of a tall cliff, admiring the scenery. His friend Mick arrives at the top of the cliff opposite holding a small brown paper bag. Paddy waves to him. Mick waves back. He takes from the bag two budgies. He holds one in each hand and jumps off he cliff. paddy looks over the cliff only to see micks mangled body. "I'm not sure about this 'ere budgie jumpin'." he says to himself.

Shortly after Paddy's other friend, Seamus, comes to the top of the opposite cliff with another larger, brown paper bag. He takes from the bag a live chicken. He holds the chickens legs, holds it in the air above his head, and takes a running jump off the cliff. Once again Paddy looks over the cliff edge just to see Seamus' mangled body next to Mick's. "I'm not sure about this hen glidin' neither." he says.

Shortly after the tragic deaths of Seamus and Mick, Paddy's other friend, Dara comes to the top of the opposite cliff. he is holding a bird cage with a parrot in it, and a shotgun. dara takes the parrot out of its cage and holds in in one hand, the shotgun in the other. He too jumps off the cliff. halfway down, Dara shoots the parrot with the shotgun. Paddy looks over the edge to see the three mangled bodys of his friends, and a dead parrot.
"And I'm really not sure about this 'ere parrotshootin'!"

Karnorjax · Post by **Karnorjax** » Tue Apr 24, 2007 9:10 pm

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Can I go home now please?'

Timbob · Post by **Timbob** » Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:25 am

oh, that's nasty...

legspin · Post by **legspin** » Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:50 am

Subject: Heightened terrorist threat levels in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

And, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Dollydagger · Post by **Dollydagger** » Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:02 am

apparently this is the funniest joke in the world:

~~~

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator says, 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, 'OK, now what?'

~~~

As researched by the guy who wrote this article (joke stuff starts about halfway down)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story ... 39,00.html

davemacfrombath · Post by **davemacfrombath** » Wed May 02, 2007 4:50 pm

football joke.

What's the similarity between The Premiership, The Championship and Bluetooth?

they all operate without leads.*

*Leeds

stargurl · Post by **stargurl** » Fri May 04, 2007 11:10 am

[obligatory annual 'joke']May the fourth be with you[/obligatory annual 'joke']

hippy dave · Post by **hippy dave** » Fri May 04, 2007 2:12 pm

stargurl wrote:[obligatory annual 'joke']May the fourth be with you[/obligatory annual 'joke']

Timbob · Post by **Timbob** » Sat May 05, 2007 12:02 pm

hippy dave wrote:
stargurl wrote:[obligatory annual 'joke']May the fourth be with you[/obligatory annual 'joke']

Now that's a force we could all use!

legspin · Post by **legspin** » Wed May 16, 2007 9:23 pm

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace. Victoria admiringly watching her husband. After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop. Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse..........

Timbob · Post by **Timbob** » Thu May 17, 2007 12:00 am

legspin wrote:David Beckham ..........

Damnit!
i was hoping for a happy ending!