Joke Thread

[trompurple]

The Japanese version has an extra udder.

[legspin]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[hippy dave]

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

yeah, the text forgot to mention that this is the first case of somebody with a credit card ever dying.

[Acid Gaz]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Twins, obviously?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't you facking idiot! The oldest, he's nine and the younger one, she's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you facking dickhead?

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

[davemacfrombath]

triplets in my case...

[legspin]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's

[davemacfrombath]

A rabbit goes into a butchers and says 'do you have any carrots?', to which the butcher replies 'we don't sell carrots mate, we're a butchers, we only sell meat'.

The next day the rabbit goes back to the butchers and again says 'do you have any carrots?', to which the butcher again replies 'we don't sell carrots mate, we're a butchers'.

The following day the rabbit asks if the butcher has any carrots, and the butcher, now clearly irritated says 'look, I've told you before we only sell meat, we DON'T sell carrots. If you come in again asking for carrots I'll hammer your friggin ears to the floor'.

So the next day the rabbit turns up again and says 'do you have any nails?' to which the butcher (now irate) shouts 'NO! I've told you before, you moron, I'm a butcher! We only sell meat!!'.

To which the rabbit responds, 'in that case, do you have any carrots?'.

[Timbob]

cheecky rabbit that is

[Timbob]

A man with a giant orange for half of his head walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Hey! What the hell happened to you buddy?"
The man says "well, I was rumaging through some old stuff when I came across a lamp.
I rubbed it and *poof*! Out pops a genie and he grants me three wishes!"
"and what did you wish for?" the bartender asks.
"With my first wish," the guy says, "I asked for every woman I ever met to be madly in love with me and want me.
All of a sudden I was surrounded by all of these women!
"With my second wish I asked for a million dollars that I could never lose and could never be stolen.
BAM! I was rich.

"And for my third wish, I wished that half of my head was a giant orange."

[trompurple]

funny how nobody posted any jokes in March...

Timbob: I like that one. Sort of.

[hippy dave]

march is a very serious month

[trompurple]

and a very serious order.

[Timbob]

funny how nobody posted any jokes in March...

Timbob: I like that one. Sort of.

I had to dig deep to find the joke thread...

i liked the ending on that one... it was the only logical explanation

[legspin]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again:
"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him,"What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said



"Ahhhhh, Ryanair

[Karnorjax]

http://mysite.orange.co.uk/screendump/i ... 3980190032