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davemacfrombath
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Joke Thread

Post by davemacfrombath »

Ok, everyone knows at least one joke, so why not START A THREAD...

So - a party of explorers in Africa are walking through the jungle when one of them (let's call him Steve) gets grabbed by a huge gorilla and dragged off into the depths of the jungle before any others in the party can react.

Anyway, the next few days were hell on Earth for poor Steve as the huge primate slapped him around and used him to satisfy certain carnal appetites (and it was one HUNGRY gorilla).

For 6 days the ape didn't let Steve out of his site. Steve tried to sneak off whenever the gorilla was asleep , but was always caught, slapped and rodgered over again.

Finally, on the seventh day the gorilla went off to get some food, so Steve took his chance and limped off in the opposite direction.

Steve was in a bad way - he wasn't the biggest of blokes and he'd taken some beatings - so by the time he got back to base camp it was 7 days later and he was crawling on all fours.

As soon as his colleagues saw him approaching they ran out. 'Thank God you're OK Steve, we though we'd seen the last of you, what happened?'

Steve recounted his harrowing tale, much to the shock and horror of his colleagues.

'Bloody hell Steve, that sounds terrible, are you hurt?' asked Bill (or was it Doug?)

'Hurt?! HURT?!!' exclaimed Steve 'Of course I'm FUCKING hurt. It's been a week since I ran off - he hasn't texted, phoned, nothing...'

<DM inches towards exit>
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Post by Dog »

Why did the lion get lost?

Because Jungle is massive ;)
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another world outside that's full of
all the broken things that I made"

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Post by memly »

Whats Orange and sounds like a Parrot?


A carrot!!!!
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Post by legspin »

what do you get when you cross a parrot and a cow?


A Paradox!
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Post by Acid Gaz »

Keeping to the jungle vibe…

Tom, Dick and Harry are exploring the jungle in darkest Africa and get kidnapped by a ferocious looking tribe. They are left in a tent wondering what their fate will be. After a few hours, a tribesman comes in says to Tom – “The Chief wants to see you to decide your punishment for trespassing on our land”.

He drags Tom out into the village meeting place where the whole tribe are gathered. The Chief looks at him and says: “I will give you a choice. We will either kill you or you will suffer the punishment of Bongo Bongo.”

Tom thinks, but not for long: “Bit of a no-brainer this, I don’t want to die, so I’ll take the Bongo Bongo punishment.”

At this, the whole tribe goes wild, and loud cheering and chants of “Bongo Bongo! Bongo Bongo!” can be heard for miles around.

Then, the tribesmen grab him, rip off all his clothes and place him face-down on a flat square stone, with his hands and feet tied securely to each corner. The “Bongo Bongo” chants get louder and louder, and to his horror and with excruciating pain, each one of the 200 male tribesmen take turns to shag him senseless.

Six hours later , he is dragged bleeding and bruised back into the tent where his mates are waiting. They listen to him describe the ordeal he has just gone through with horror and disbelief.

The next day, a tribesman comes in says to Dick – “The Chief wants to see you to decide your punishment for trespassing on our land”.

He drags Dick out into the village meeting place where the whole tribe are gathered. The Chief looks at him and says: “I will give you a choice. We will either kill you or you will suffer the punishment of Bongo Bongo.”

Dick thinks long and hard. He knows what Tom went through, but he has a wife and family at home – he doesn’t want to die. He decides: “I’ll take the Bongo Bongo punishment.”

At this, the whole tribe goes wild, and loud cheering and chants of “Bongo Bongo! Bongo Bongo!” can be heard for miles around.

The tribesmen grab him, rip off all his clothes and place him face-down on a flat square stone, with his hands and feet tied securely to each corner. The “Bongo Bongo” chants get louder and louder, and each one of the 200 male tribesmen take turns to shag him stupid.

Six hours later , he is dragged bleeding and bruised back into the tent where his mates are waiting. No explanation is required – they can see that Dick has endured the ordeal of Bongo Bongo.

The next day, a tribesman comes in says to Harry – “The Chief wants to see you to decide your punishment for trespassing on our land”.

He drags Harry out into the village meeting place where the whole tribe are gathered. The Chief looks at him and says: “I will give you a choice. We will either kill you or you will suffer the punishment of Bongo Bongo.”

Harry has seen what Tom and Dick have been through. The thought of enduring Bongo Bongo is terrifying him. Eventually, he decides that Bongo Bongo is so bad that, yes, he’d rather die. “I’ll take the death penalty”, he tells the Chief.

“Very well, “ says the Chief, “so it will be. I sentence you to Death by Bongo Bongo!”

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davemacfrombath
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Post by davemacfrombath »

A man (who may or may not have been called Paul) was walking down the road when he saw a mangled body lying in the street. He looked further down and saw a car with a huge dent in the bonnet , blood and gore everywhere, and grass, leaves and twigs stuck to the bumpers and windscreen.

Looking closer he realised the car belonged to his brother, Phil, who he now saw was sat in the passenger seat looking upset.

Paul ran to the car, opened the door, and asked Phil if he was alright. 'Yeah, I'm fine' said Phil, 'I'm just a bit shook up, that's all'.

'What happened', asked Paul.

'Well', said Phil, 'I've just ran over Phil Collins'.

'OK, that explains the blood and gore', said Paul, 'but what about the leaves and stuff?'.

'Oh, he ran through the park' quipped Phil.

Disclaimer: All characters in this joke are fictional, and any resemblence to any person, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. Unlike the first joke...
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Post by legspin »

Irish Joke
What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
There's no such thing as a fucking apple bastard :shock:
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davemacfrombath
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Post by davemacfrombath »

Ronnie Corbett walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barmaid gave him one...
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Post by davemacfrombath »

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being characteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
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Post by Karnorjax »

Ive heard some New Orleans jokes but they am a bit distasteful

funny topical joke thou


Who was the Last Brit to fuck the Aussies and bring back the ashes

Paula Yates
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!

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Post by legspin »

davemacfrombath wrote:Ronnie Corbett walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barmaid gave him one...
I was at a Ronnie Corbett gig to-night

'Twasn't that good but.....

Did you hear about the Irishman who was on a desert island. When a lifeboat washed up on the shore he broke it up to build a raft.
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davemacfrombath
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Post by davemacfrombath »

2 condoms outside a gay bar. First one says to the other, 'let's go in there and get shit-faced'...
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Post by Acid Gaz »

To be read in a Tommy Cooper style:

1 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home". "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Post by Timbob »

Gaz, those are great :D

my own translated joke:
you know those road signs, soft shoulders?
Image

you know why they don't have signs with the text: hard shoulders?

they can't get them into the ground
Image
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses

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Post by Acid Gaz »

Timbob wrote:Gaz, those are great :D
Number 3 is my favourite. Here's another one:

Donald Rumsfeld was giving George W Bush his weekly briefing.

"And yesterday Mr President, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq."

"Oh My God!" says Bush, burying his head in his hands.

After a few minutes, Rumsfeld, puzzled, asks

"Are you OK Mr President?"

Bush looks up and says:

"OK, how many is a Brazilian?"

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