Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot, and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted - and had his own remote .
THE END
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Electronic music forums...
Joke Thread
Moderators: Loopz, usernick, legspin, jof, the PLA
by davemacfrombath on Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:19 am
kinell Loopz? You just been dumped or summat?!
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
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davemacfrombath - Posts: 1374
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New super store
by Karnorjax on Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:37 pm
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be waiting us further on!". So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be waiting us further on!". So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Is there anyone there ??????? IS THERE ANYONE THERE !!!!!
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Karnorjax - Posts: 1018
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by davemacfrombath on Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:15 am
Why did the cockney cosmetics salesperson look happy leaving the Bygraves house?
Cos Max Factor.
Cos Max Factor.
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
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davemacfrombath - Posts: 1374
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- Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers
by Willsy on Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:18 pm
husbands story.
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"
"You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really"
Nigel Tufnel talking about his song "Lick My Love Pump" - This Is Spinal Tap.
http://www.myspace.com/willsydesignuk
Nigel Tufnel talking about his song "Lick My Love Pump" - This Is Spinal Tap.
http://www.myspace.com/willsydesignuk
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Willsy - Posts: 1376
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- Location: yes i know....my avatar changes too often!
by memly on Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:28 pm
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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memly - Posts: 2129
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 3:47 pm
- Location: Going back in time
by Willsy on Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:32 pm
memly wrote:Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
president sits, head in hands.
Finally, president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
are you trying to tell me something?
"You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really"
Nigel Tufnel talking about his song "Lick My Love Pump" - This Is Spinal Tap.
http://www.myspace.com/willsydesignuk
Nigel Tufnel talking about his song "Lick My Love Pump" - This Is Spinal Tap.
http://www.myspace.com/willsydesignuk
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Willsy - Posts: 1376
- Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2005 12:46 pm
- Location: yes i know....my avatar changes too often!
by davemacfrombath on Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:14 am
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ toast."
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
-
davemacfrombath - Posts: 1374
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 4:03 pm
- Location: In Clarkson's cellar with a blowtorch and pliers
by Acid Gaz on Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:46 pm
Since it's Friday, time for another joke...
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!"
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear police sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the fucking Pope as a chauffeur!"
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Acid Gaz - Posts: 367
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by tcb2000 on Fri Nov 04, 2005 4:37 pm
This bloke is walking past a shop and notices a sign in the window saying 'Wasp records £10'. He's intrigued and goes in and says to the shopkeeper :
"What are these 'wasp records' you're advertising?"
The shopkeeper says "Oh, they're recordings of wasps buzzing the classics and jazz standards!"
"wow", says the bloke, "I'd love to hear that, you see, I'm an expert on wasps, I'll probably be able to identify the species from the sound".
So the shopkeeper sticks one of the records on, and it's Beethoven's Fifth, but sounds like a load of wasps.
The bloke says 'hmm, I don't recognise the species from that sound. Sounds like no wasp I know'.
The shopkeeper says "OK, let's try the next track". And he puts the next one on and it's "Fly Me To The Moon" but again, sounding like a load of wasps.
The bloke says again "Nope. That's definitely not any wasp I've ever heard".
The shopkeeper says "hold on..."
He looks at the record and says....
"Oh sorry, I put the bee side on!".
Rich
"What are these 'wasp records' you're advertising?"
The shopkeeper says "Oh, they're recordings of wasps buzzing the classics and jazz standards!"
"wow", says the bloke, "I'd love to hear that, you see, I'm an expert on wasps, I'll probably be able to identify the species from the sound".
So the shopkeeper sticks one of the records on, and it's Beethoven's Fifth, but sounds like a load of wasps.
The bloke says 'hmm, I don't recognise the species from that sound. Sounds like no wasp I know'.
The shopkeeper says "OK, let's try the next track". And he puts the next one on and it's "Fly Me To The Moon" but again, sounding like a load of wasps.
The bloke says again "Nope. That's definitely not any wasp I've ever heard".
The shopkeeper says "hold on..."
He looks at the record and says....
"Oh sorry, I put the bee side on!".
Rich
- tcb2000
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by trompurple on Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:38 am
Buzz off rich
Mashed Potatoes? Why do hate mashed potatoes? (It's a hoax, I don't really hate them)
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trompurple - Posts: 341
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- Location: Tokyo
by Acid Gaz on Wed Dec 21, 2005 1:54 pm
Who said footballers where thick?
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough."
Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough."
Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles
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Acid Gaz - Posts: 367
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