Joke Thread

[legspin]

Suicide Bombers To Go On Strike

Al-Qaeda fighters are said to be worried about the dwindling number of virgins

Suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Friday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next month from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al-Qaeda afford that many for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al-Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. "A major issue is that the remaining virgins are ugly and don't like rap music"

Abdullah Amir calls for an urgent review of virgin allocation

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice
allocation quotas.
One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Abd Al Haidar

[chime]

Bookies have stopped taking bets on Georgia winning any medals at this years winter olympics.
Oh well, some you win, some you luge!

[Badger]

LMAO

[chime]

Nice avatar Matt!!
PS - Have a ball mate, I'm expecting lots of pics & video!

[legspin]

"I see John Terry said he has shagged all the wives of the current England players bar one" said Wayne Rooney one morning looking up from his copy of the Sun.
"It must be Posh, she's a right stuck-up bitch" says Colleen.

[legspin]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

[Timbob]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

Good one

[legspin]

Julius Caesar was stood in the Forum, making a speech.
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! I plan to go to Gaul, and not only will I conquer it, I'll kill 50,000 of the buggers!"
He duly went to Gaul, conquered it, came back, and declared both his victory and the number of deaths at 50,000.

Months later, after many tales had been spread around Rome as to his glory, he was in the Forum again, giving a speech about plans to conquer Germania, when Brutus piped up.
"Excuse me, Caesar, but for all your talk of the glorious conquest and killing 50,000 Gauls, you don't half talk a load of s**t."
"I don't know what you mean", replied Caesar.
"I went to Gaul recently, just to verify your claims. I'll admit you conquered it, but you didn't kill 50,000 Gauls. You only killed 25,000."
"Ah, but Brutus, you're forgetting something."
"What's that?"
"Away Gauls count double in Europe."

[legspin]

One of Sigmund Freud's lesser known theories relates to what he thought came between fear & sex?

































Fünf

[legspin]

Werner Heisenberg gets caught speeding.
The cop makes him pull over, then walks over to his window and asks:
"Sir, do you know fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know where I am!"

Good one

This why one should never open Mr. Schrödinger's luggage.

[chime]

How do you annoy Heather Mills?

Nick Clegg

[legspin]

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

[legspin]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[legspin]

Oxo are introducing a new white oxo cube with a red cross on it to support the England team. Its going to be called the 'laughing stock!'

[memly]

Ouch!