Joke Thread
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- chime
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Re: Joke Thread
Just ordered a Ricky Hatton toaster, but I'm taking it back as it only does two rounds!
- legspin
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Re: Joke Thread
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Prince Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, HRH turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Prince Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, HRH turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
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Re: Joke Thread
What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Maskapony.
Ugh... Boo Hiss etc
Maskapony.
Ugh... Boo Hiss etc
Myspace -
www.myspace.com/twistedpeardjs
Listen -
http://twistedpear.podomatic.com
www.myspace.com/twistedpeardjs
Listen -
http://twistedpear.podomatic.com
- usernick
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Re: Joke Thread
From yesterdays Bristol Evening Post: (Dunno how old the email is, so it might not actually have been yesterday)
Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1.00 per car and £5.00 per coach.
On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.
The Council said, "That car park is your responsibility."
The Zoo said, "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?"
The Council said, "What attendant?"
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400.00 per day for the last 23 years...!
Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1.00 per car and £5.00 per coach.
On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.
The Council said, "That car park is your responsibility."
The Zoo said, "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?"
The Council said, "What attendant?"
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400.00 per day for the last 23 years...!
- Timbob
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Re: Joke Thread
Scram865 wrote:What cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Maskapony.
Ugh... Boo Hiss etc
That was terrible!
Loved it
It's 106 miles to Chicago.
We got a full tank of gas,
half a pack of cigarettes.
It's dark and we are wearing sunglasses
- chime
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Re: Joke Thread
Jordan's in the running for the 2009 Mum of the year award?????
That's the best one ever......
That's the best one ever......
- legspin
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Re: Joke Thread
Apple have just announced a recall on a product they were planning to launch for the Christmas season, it was to be their first iPod branded product marketed especially for children. Based on the already popular iPod Touch® but featuring a simplified user interface and a more sensitive touch screen with larger, child friendly icons for easier navigation, it would also have featured volume limiters to protect children's delicate aural senses. It was also planned to be launched alongside a limited edition version that came pre-loaded with the Michael Jackson greatest hits album & concert movie This Is It.
Sadly, due to a naming misunderstanding and the death of it's famous affiliate, it doesn't look like Christmas shoppers around the world will be able to buy the iTouch Kids® any time soon.
Sadly, due to a naming misunderstanding and the death of it's famous affiliate, it doesn't look like Christmas shoppers around the world will be able to buy the iTouch Kids® any time soon.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
- davemacfrombath
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Re: Joke Thread
welcome cesar. What's your favourite Orbital track? Put the answer in a new thread if you like.
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?
- chime
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Re: Joke Thread
The local County Council are trying to keep the youngsters off the roads and pavements in the bad weather, so they have invested their money in a new machine
It's called the Gary Gritter!
It's called the Gary Gritter!
- legspin
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Re: Joke Thread
Is it too early for Haiti earthquake jokes?
Or should I wait for the dust to settle?
Or should I wait for the dust to settle?
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
- legspin
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Re: Joke Thread
Suicide Bombers To Go On Strike
Al-Qaeda fighters are said to be worried about the dwindling number of virgins
Suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Friday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next month from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al-Qaeda afford that many for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al-Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. "A major issue is that the remaining virgins are ugly and don't like rap music"
Abdullah Amir calls for an urgent review of virgin allocation
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice
allocation quotas.
One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Abd Al Haidar
Al-Qaeda fighters are said to be worried about the dwindling number of virgins
Suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a
dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al-Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Friday when Al-Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next month from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable
to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."
Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al-Qaeda afford that many for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"
Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al-Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al-Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden. "A major issue is that the remaining virgins are ugly and don't like rap music"
Abdullah Amir calls for an urgent review of virgin allocation
Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice
allocation quotas.
One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".
Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Abd Al Haidar
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.
- chime
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Re: Joke Thread
Bookies have stopped taking bets on Georgia winning any medals at this years winter olympics.
Oh well, some you win, some you luge!
Oh well, some you win, some you luge!
- Badger
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Re: Joke Thread
LMAO
https://www.facebook.com/matt.christie.777
"Even a stopped cloak gives the right jacket twice a day"
"Even a stopped cloak gives the right jacket twice a day"
- chime
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Re: Joke Thread
Nice avatar Matt!!
PS - Have a ball mate, I'm expecting lots of pics & video!
PS - Have a ball mate, I'm expecting lots of pics & video!
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Re: Joke Thread
"I see John Terry said he has shagged all the wives of the current England players bar one" said Wayne Rooney one morning looking up from his copy of the Sun.
"It must be Posh, she's a right stuck-up bitch" says Colleen.
"It must be Posh, she's a right stuck-up bitch" says Colleen.
Be Pure, Be Vigilant, BEHAVE.